The Loppy Letter by Chris Lopata
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Issue 2
Tuesday, May 7, 1996

FLASHBACK
.

You may view the following sections:

The other sections -- Braggart, Pix, Loser, and Feedback -- are too cumbersome to archive.  If you've got a problem with that, tell it to the Management.


Here's the current gossip.  Info has been a bit sparse.  Keep the stories flowing.

Disclaimer:  If you feel that this publication is somehow harming your reputation, I suggest taking a chill pill. If that doesn't work, send me an e-mail and I'll remove the tidbit.

This fine tabloid is a sado-masochistic slutty gigolo.  It'll do anything you want.  All you have to do is beg.  Our motto: All the news that causes fits.




Dino Dean-o

Berwick Academy, the school where Moira McManus teaches, was having an assembly where the speakers were Olympic athletes or Olympic hopefuls who talked about balancing their lives and athletics and all that kinda stuff.  Mo was looking at the speakers' table before the assembly, and she saw that one of the name plates for the speakers read "Dean Brenner."

No way, Mo thought, it can't be THAT Dean Brenner.  Oh, but it was.  Turns out Dean-o is training for one of the sailing events in the 2000 Olympics while getting a MBA somewhere in Massachusetts.  He's part of a three-man boat that is currently ranked 6th in the U.S.  Mo said hi to him after the assembly, they chatted briefly and then Dean and his (vary quiet thin blond tan) girlfriends had to go.  [Written by Kathy Schaefer]

Liz Green's Response:  "No Fucking Way.  Does it surprise ANYONE that Dean has a weakness for blond chippies?  Does it surprise anyone that he'd blow off Moira, even though it was incredible luck to run into her?  This from the man who taught me what "felching" meant."

If you don't know what felching means, write to Lizrod.  Make sure to find out what three ingredients are needed to properly felch.




The Leather Cave

Remember New York City last summer for my birthday?  If you are not one of the dozen folks who crashed at my place, move on to the next tidbit.

If you were visiting the fine city, I need some help.  You see, almost a year later I am still contesting a $49 charge on my American Express card.  An unidentified apparel item was charged to my card.  From what store? THE LEATHER CAVE.  As much as I love leather bindings, I can't remember buying any straps that weekend.  Really.

Does anyone remember spelunking through such a cave?  The weekend is still kind of blurry.  Send info or any appropriate leather undergarments to Loppy's Leather Pit.




Velvet Elvis Still Alive

For those who stay up at night worrying about the "old" Voice, put those fears to rest.  I had the opportunity to pop my head in the office a few weeks ago.

The place is just as messy (a la Darren).  The front door to the university president's office is still hiding in the dark room (Claudine).  The velvet Elvis still watches over the News Section (Moira).  Cups of chew spit have reappeared (Cannella).  People still think those cups are gross (Drew).  The refrigerator still has unidentified strains of bacteria culture (Taco Bell).  The microwave is still on its last leg (Craig).  There are still framed cover stories with broken glass due to fat bat (Eric & vLS).  The business staff has become reacquainted with the idea of making money (Tracewell).  Folks still gossip about who's doing whom (Kathy).

It was kind of like a bad acid flashback -- not that I would know what one was like.  But kind of like what I heard a flashback would be like if I had done LSD.  Get it?




Wanted: Puking Stories

The response to the steering wheel story in the previous issue was so overwhelming, we've decided to dedicate a future issue (or at least a Bonus section) to Vomit: it's birth, it's struggle to survive, and it's demise.

Please e-mail stories about yourself or others to The Vomitorium. Feel free to spew about your friends. I do.


We have two contributions this issue from readers just like you. Thank you.

This section depends on your input. Be an eager beaver and send in something. As you'll see, one of the selections is a complete copyright infringement. Who cares? Hopefully not the author.

Send in submissions of all sizes. If it causes fits, we'll print it.


Life at GU from Susan Berman's
The Underground Guide to the College of Your Choice (1971)

Submission by Liz Green

Georgetown University
Washington, D.C.

Getting political at last.

ACADEMIC BULLSHIT:

This school has an excellent undergraduate Foreign Service school, an excellent History department and very good Medical and Law schools. The Language departments are also praised by the students.

Favorite courses include "The Development of Civilization" by Professor Quigley, "International Relations" by Professor Ello (an expert on the Soviet Union), "Fifteen Film Directors" by Professor Segal.

Some Pass/Fail, lots of tests and papers, and class participation varies from course to course. There are a few student-originated courses -- like "Wine and Cheese Tasting" -- but they aren't for credit. A Free U was started in 1966; students say it is the largest in the United States. Many students participate in it. There isn't a Black Studies department but there are a few courses -- like "Black Theology," "Black Literature," and "Black History." There's cross-enrollment and students can take black studies courses at Howard University which has an excellent Black Studies department [duh!]. Independent study and study abroad. There are special programs called "International Projects for Foreign Study" -- in Asia, Africa, Latin America and Western Europe.

Since Georgetown is a Jesuit institution, 12 hours of theology are required of all Catholic students.

BREAD:

$2,100 a year for both in- and out-of-state. Loans and scholarships are tight but there are lots of jobs both on and off campus at $1.50 an hour. Dorms cost chicks $1,100 a year for room and board -- cats, $1,250. About half the students live in the dorms. There are parietals. The other half of the students live off campus in houses or apartments which run $60 a person.

Georgetown students aren't into scrounging. Their parents have a lot of bread. Most have cars or cycles and expensive threads. The cats are still into spending $10-15 on a date -- like dinner and a flick or a discotheque.

Used bookstores in the Georgetown area.

BROTHERS AND SISTERS:

Ratio cats : chicks -- 3 : 1.

The campus is still, unfortunately, straight. Chicks wear dresses or pantsuits. Cats wear new jeans and slacks. Only about a fourth of the campus is hip -- they wear rags. But then, things are progressing as three years ago some cats still wore sport coats and ties to classes. The community around the campus is very hip. The chicks on campus aren't liberated but the freshman chicks are just getting into it.

Local hangs inlcude "1789" (jock bar), "Walsh Lobby," "Cellar Door," on M Street (coffee house) and the "Charlie Weismuller" delicatessen.

Grass is on the upswing but booze is still happening. Freshmen smoke, seniors drink. Little hard-drug culture. Grass runs $20 an ounce. Most students score in the area.

Georgetown has been known in the past as a very conservative campus but it's getting more vocal. The fact that Washington, D.C., is a focal point for political action is finally getting to Georgetown students. Radicals from off campus come on campus to recruit. Most active political groups include the Radical Union, the Black Student Alliance and the Georgetown University Community Action program. There have been three incidents so far.

The first was in 1969 when Mayor Joseph Alioto of San Francisco came to campus to speak. SDSers (most from off campus) broke down the doors and kept him from speaking -- he was rushed out the back door for protection. The disruption was held because of his handling of the San Francisco State strike. Students also tried to block freeway construction that would have torn down a black residential area and struck over Cambodia.

SURVIVAL:

The infirmary is adequate -- no BC pills, of course, but shrinks are available. Draft counseling by AFS in the city. The Georgetown Legal Aid Society run by the Law school does free legal work. There's a Free Clinic in the basement of a church at Wisconsin and Q Streets in Georgetown.

The Hoya is a conservative student newspaper. Students read The Quick-Silver Times [Editor's note: Why not the Georgetown Voice?] -- a good underground rag. Women's Liberation has about 20 members. They tried to integrate (sexwise) an all-male rooting section called "The Animal Section." They also made a study on the admission of women to Georgetown University and are pressing for further admissions.

ENVIRONMENT:

Mental -- People are reading Hesse, Cleaver, and Portnoy's Complaint. Not much ecology support.

Physical -- Politiciany. The area around the University is residential and it's a very hip community with many street people. The campus is small and buildings are gray stone. It's an urban campus.

Students escape to Virginia Beach, Williamsburg, and New York.



Here's some poetry for final exams. Written by one of my law school classmates:

Rumplestiltskin Was a Babe
By Alex McKinnon

Rumplestiltskin was a babe,
Gnarled legs he learned to shave
He'd wear lipstick and carry a purse
"Oh this hair! Damn what a curse!"
He was heard to exclaim
While playing his boyfriend's favorite game.
Didn't care that he could spin gold
'Cause old Rumplestiltskin broke the mold.
With high heels and certain things tight
Rumplestiltskin would stalk the night
Picking up other nomes in some nome bar
And then driving them mad in the back of their car
"Where's your forrest, I'll come there in a spell."
"Sorry no, deary, I'm from the wrong side of the dell."

 

Contest of the Issue:

This is the publication that keeps on giving.  In some cases, it may give you a black eye.  In other situations, it may give you the opportunity to file a libel suit.

Today we're giving you the chance to win something cool.  Send along a good quote.  That's it. It can be something you said, something overheard on Melrose, or something plagarized from somebody else.

E-mail entries should include "contest" in the subject line.  Send them to The Loppy Letter Lottery.  (It's not really a lottery, but the alliteration sounds cool.)

Entries containing some semblance of creativity, humor, or strangeness will receive extra points from the judges.

Every issue or so, a winner will be selected.  The top entry will receive a prize -- like a coveted mention in The Loppy Letter, a toothbrush, or $10 million.  The management reserves the right to republish all disturbing responses.  The determination of the East German judge is final.

Good luck.


Winner of Issue One Contest:

Rob Pegoraro of Washington, D.C. wins $5 toward his next car purchase or pizza, whichever comes first.  He sent me an e-mail encrypted using PGP military grade software.  The decoder ring is so powerful that the U.S. government prohibits exporting such technology.

He was the only contestant.  So, fair being fair, he won.  His entry wasn't all that spectacular.  In fact, it was distinctive in its lack of pizazz.  Nevertheless, the piece without pizazz wins part of a pizza.

Did I mention that it sucked so hard that I spiked the e-mail, don't remember what it said, and consequently, can't reproduce it in these fine pages?

If I'm going to give away super cool prizes -- like cash -- make it worth my time.  It's not like any of you attorneys are billing your time to multi-billion dollar clients.

This issue's Bonus section features some exciting facts about Mononucleosis.  Think of this information as an addendum to your newspaper's "Health" section.

Why Mono?  Simple.  The editor of this publication has it bad.  Like, it's in the acute stage.  I sleep 18 hours a day, work on the issue, eat, and then go to bed.  (Ah, let's play that fiddle of pity.)

You know what's unfortunate?  I didn't even have fun getting it.  The Kissing Disease.  There's a misnomer if I ever heard one.  I haven't kissed anyone since Reagan was president.  Well, maybe not that long.  And I'm not sure whether I should count kissing the farm animals.  But it's been a long time, that's for sure!

Symptoms:

  • fever

  • sore throat

  • headaches

  • white patches on the back of your throat

  • swollen glands

  • feeling TIRED

  • not feeling hungry

Interestingly, I haven't had a problem with the last item.  Go figure.

Anyway, if you're experiencing these difficulties, I think you have Mono too.  I'm not a doctor.  I don't play one on TV.  But I am rarely wrong.  Go get some blood drawn.

I hope I didn't infect anyone through casual contact -- sharing a towel, touching food, or playing tonsil hockey (which, as stated above, is quite impossible since I have not engaged in such conduct for some time).

If I did give it to you, well, I'm genuinely sorry.  Incubation period is about 25 days.  Start counting.

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