The Loppy Letter by Chris Lopata
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Issue 1
Sunday, April 7, 1996

FLASHBACK


Welcome to the first issue of The Loppy Letter.  Here are the ground rules:

  • Until I figure out how to set up password protection, nothing too embarrassing will be printed.

  • If you feel that The Loppy Letter is somehow harming your reputation, I suggest taking a chill pill. If that doesn't work, send me an e-mail and I'll remove the tidbit.

  • The Loppy Letter is a sado-masochistic slutty gigolo. It'll do anything you want.  All you have to do is beg.  Our motto:  All the news that causes fits.

  • The Loppy Letter isn't just a rag.  Its content depends on reader participation. If you change jobs, adopt a pet from the Humane Society, win $5 at the lottery, drop a line and let your friends know.  Nothing it too trite.  If you've got photos, we accept snail mail pictures as well as digital images.

WARNING:  This first issue of The Loppy Letter has no photographs.  As soon as I get some, I'll stick 'em in.

With no further ado . . . much ado about nothing . . .



Index of Stuff

They're Dropping Like Flies

Manipulating Men with their Bodies

A Pyrrhic Victory

Do Me Baby

Thank You for Smoking

The Three Stooges

Bearer of Irish Gifts

Bible Reading Can Be Fun


They're Dropping Like Flies

Yup, another wedding. Chris van Löben Sels (a/k/a Löben, vLS, Tool) and Laurie Hall (a/k/a Space Law Laurie Hall) got hitched at the Carmel Mission Basilica in California on Saturday, March 30.  I laughed, I cried, I fell in my pie.  They threw one helluva party.

For those who are interested, scout reports indicate that the honeymoon in Mexico was fun for the whole family.  The two newlyweds learned how to scuba dive.  And as a special bonus, Laurie had an opportunity to successfully defend her first client -- Löben.  Details are a bit sketchy, but apparently Laurie convinced the Mexican authorities to refrain from garnishing all of Löben's future wages.  (Repeat after me children: "Yes officer, we respect the laws of Mexico . . . No officer, we don't have US$300 to pay for Chris's illegal U-Turn.").  Ask the couple for more details.

The wedding itself was beautiful.  Blah, blah, blah.  What you really want is details . . .


Manipulating Men with their Bodies

Kathy Schaefer and Lynn Fischer get top kudos for the weekend.  They wanted to rent a convertible and live up that hippie chic life.  One snag: convertibles are just too damn expensive.  Solution:  turn on those feminine wiles.  Here's the reconstructed dialogue:

"The car will cost $59 a day," says the unsuspecting XY-chromosed car rental employee.

"What about AAA?" asks Lynn, with a faint smile.

"Already calculated in there," mutters the victim, shuffling a bit.

"What about California resident discounts?" suggests Kathy, staring the dude directly in the eye.

"Nope," says he, as sweat begins to coalesce on his brow.

"But we're cute," says Lynn.

The guy's throat starts to crackle. He pitches a tent downstairs. He doubles over to the double-X chromosomes. "How about $39?" he whimpers.

"Perfect," says the Dynamic Duo.

FYI:  Lynn used a similar technique later that weekend with Bandage Boy. Don't understand? Feel free to write Lynn and ask her all about it.


A Pyrrhic Victory

Ever been asked what happens if you're in a car traveling at the speed of light and you turn on your headlights?

Here's a new variation:

What happens if you're hung over in a car traveling something not quite the speed of light and you start projectile puking on the steering wheel?

For answers, write to Kathy or Rent-A-Wreck.


Do Me Baby

Special mention goes to Randall Cook (a/k/a the Dude who wrote Tetris for the Georgetown Voice; the Dude who caused the Voice to consistently miss its deadlines).  Randall convinced the D.J. at the wedding reception to play rap music.  Apparently, a V.I.P. had decreed that no rap should ring out on that special night of connubial bliss.

Although nobody knows exactly how the deed was accomplished, it has been rumored that Randall and girlfriend Carmen convinced the D.J. that the Humpty Dance was actually a remix of Frank Sinatra's "Fly Me to the Moon."

A few people were happily grabbed in the biscuits.


Thank You for Smoking

Cigars are on the rebound.  Lenny Fears, some guy named Buzz, and Yours Truly brought stogies to the reception.  Even a few Cubans were enjoyed by all.

Many people try to look cool with a wad a tobacco stuck between their lips, but few succeed. Top honor goes to Wendy Hannan (a/k/a a reformed cigarette smoker). Runner-Up award goes to Liz Green, who always knows how to look cool with something long between her lips.  (I hope that the preceding sentence isn't in poor taste, so to speak.  If so, The Loppy Letter would be more than happy to remove the item.  The editorial staff truly cares about you, the reader.)


The Three Stooges

The ushers did okay seating folks for the wedding. Drew Hallin (a/k/a Drü) walked people to their seats as if he was sliding across a dance floor.  Nicholas Lapham (a/k/a the guy who picks up the slack for vLS at work) got people down the aisle with all hellspeed so that he could make a 3 p.m. tee-off.  Chris Lopata managed to walk in a straight line for the most part.

Unfortunately, nobody told the three where to sit during the wedding.  They were still switching seats and confusing unsuspecting relatives as the organist and trumpeter heralded the coming of the bride. ("Huh-huh, he said 'organ'.")  Oh well.


Bearer of Irish Gifts

Moira McManus ain't stupid. Predicting that the wedding guests might make a wee bit of noise during the evening hours, Moira did what any sensible, responsible party-goer would do: she bribed the dude at the front desk.

Scott, as he was affectionately known, was showered with beer, party invitations, beer, innocent flirtations, beer, conversation, and beer. Despite the often loud festivities at Camp Carmel (we all stayed in bungalow cabins), Scott scuttled nearly all complaints.

Scott even managed to figure out that a cryptic phone message for "Tor" should be routed to the Party Central Mothership at Kathy and John's cabin.

Only once, when several campers were simulating orgasms at the top of their lungs, did Scott interrupt the party. All agreed that the noise could be toned down. Someone gave Scott another beer. All was cool.


Bible Reading Can Be Fun

Three folks read passages at the wedding: Wendy (a/k/a Laurie's Mom), Chris Kelly, and Jason Henderson. All were well delivered but Jason wins the "How to make a lovey-dovey Bible passage sound like the Apocalypse" Award.

For those that don't know, Jason and spouse Julia Guzman throw a kick tail Halloween party each year. Folks must prepare and present an original work of horror fiction some point during the party.

Jason, who incidentally has starred in several movies about Friday the 13th, did a fine job. Bravo.


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